Subdivided We Stand Meets Marathon Man: Who To Kill

By Chapter 20 of Leviticus, God has pretty much had it with you people. No more pussyfooting around and simply calling sinners "unclean."

Nope. In Chapter 20, we learn who, exactly, is wicked enough to be dispatched from this earth and sent to the fiery flames that await.

For the record, we are commanded by our Loving God to put the following people to death:

Anyone who gives their offspring to Molech. (This is the second time we're warned against this in Leviticus. God must've seen this Molech cat as some serious competition. God vs. Molech must've been the Cola Wars of the day.)
Anyone who turns to mediums or fortune-tellers and follows their wanton ways. (So when will Red State America be trodding up to Nancy Reagan's front door with torches and pitchforks? Surely anyone who planned her own and her husband's day -- and by proxy, the course of an entire nation -- around the predictions of an astrologist should be the first one burned at the stake. JUST SAY NO NOW, NANCY!)
And since God is nothing if not thorough, the fortune-teller is to be put to death, too. Take THAT, Sydney Omarr!
Ever cursed your father or mother? You, my friend, are to be put to death. The line forms on the right.
Anyone who commits adultery w/his neighbor's wife -- both partners get the axe. Unfortunately, "neighbor" is never quite defined, so maybe you can work something out with that hottie a couple of blocks over.
Banging your father's wife or your daughter-in-law? Oh, you'd better believe that's a stonin'.
(These next two go out as a long-distance dedication to PA's own hometown hottie, Senator Rick Santorum...) Hot, sweaty, writhing man-on-man action? Death.
Carnal relations with an animal? Not only does the offender die, but that dog/gerbil/horse/gecko/aardvark's gotta buy it, too. So as Senator Rick would say, "Man on Dog" action clearly is right out.
Man marries woman and her mother also? Death. (This must've been a big problem back in the day, since it comes up so often in Leviticus. I think it's safe to say that these days, not many males would be too hep to marrying their mothers-in-law.)

Meanwhile, over in Chapter 21, we're dealing with the sanctity of the Priesthood...

Priests can't prepare a corpse for burial...blah blah blah....no bearing of the crown of the head...no shaving the beard...no marrying a prostitute....etc. etc.

Here's a good one -- a priest's daughter who loses her honor (i.e. fornicates i.e. has sex before marriage) shall be BURNED TO DEATH. Now, I've known a handful of preachers' kids over the years, and let's just say that they're living on borrowed time at this point.

The priest shall marry a virgin. HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh, Leviticus, you crack me up. (In addition, the priest is not to marry a divorcee or widow. I personally know a couple of very specific examples of clergy who have broken this particular rule.)

And finally, lest you think that it's just the fornicators and astrology-followers and Molech worshippers and man-on-doggers that piss God off, here's a list of "defects" which disqualify one from presenting an offering to God:

Blind
Lame
Disfigured or malformed
Crippled in foot or hand
Humpbacked
Walleyed
Ringworm-infested
Excema sufferers
Those with hernias

All of this reminds me of a song we used to sing in Sunday School, that I have now amended to follow the rules of Leviticus.

Jesus loves the little children
all the little children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white
they are precious in his site.
Jesus loves the little children of the world.
Jesus loves the little children.
Most of the children of the world.
Except the humpbacked and the lame,
herniated or insane.
Jesus loves the healthy children of the world.